Steve Martin once said that none of his movies are great, but Steve, I gotta disagree. So here are my top 11 Steve Martin movies, cause I couldn’t pick ten. Also I haven’t watched the Father of the Bride(s) in a while so those and a few other worthy candidates are off my list. If you don’t like it, go read some other guy’s Best of Steve Martin list.

11. The Man With Two Brains – 1983

This one took me a few views to appreciate, perhaps because Martin’s usual outrageous antics are toned down, though the plot most definitely is not. The last time I saw it I loved it. It’s chalk full of the absurd humor Martin and director Carl Reiner specialize in.

Best Scene

10. Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid – 1982

This one has Martin inserted into footage from old 40′s film noir classics, so his costars are Humphrey Bogart and Veronica Lake. DMDWP would be nominated for “Most Hilarious One-Liners” if they ever make that an Oscar, which they should.

Best Scene

9. Pennies From Heaven – 1981

This is an underrated classic, with a similar concept to Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid in some ways. The gimmick here is Steve’s voice (and others) is occassionally dubbed by old jazz singers as he and Bernadette Peters perform elaborate dance numbers. Seeing as this is a musical drama that Roger Ebert called “relentlessly downbeat, cruel, and occasionally twisted”, it’s also one of the least likely movies to be made. (also in that list is Caligula and The Plague Dogs). There is a scene in “Pennies From Heaven” that I will never forget – Arthur (Steve Martin) calls a bumbling street musician a fool and the look on the man’s face is crushing. You can see the end of that scene as well as a beautiful dance number below.

Best Scene

8. Planes, Trains & Automobiles – 1987

I know this is a classic, and it’s hilarious, and you’re probably wondering why it’s not 1 or 2. It could be and I wouldn’t disagree, but this is my list, and I’m putting it at 7 because I think he has 6 funnier movies. So there. But this one is great, and that scene where he unleashes like 349 f-words in a row is hilarious.

Best Scene

7. L.A. Story – 1991

I know what you’re thinking: “WHAT? L.A. Story is the only Steve Martin movie better than Trains, Planes and Automobiles, and you have it at 6???! Get out the gasoline, we gotta burn this guy!” But chill out psychopath, this movie is everything people say it is and I’m not trying to hate. This is probably his most brilliant movie.

Best Scene (not the best, but the best I could find on youtube. Pretty cool little scene though)

6. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels – 1988

This has a perfect comedy premise, and a perfect comedy team with Michael Caine and Steve Martin. They play dueling con-artists betting over who can extract the most money from a particular young beauty. Every scene is involving, many are downright hilarious, and some even touching. But the highlight of the movie is Martin’s alter-ego Ruprecht, a creature out of a Jerry Lewis film. If I were making a Funniest Characters Ever list, Ruprecht would be near the top.

Best Scene

5. The Jerk – 1979

If you’ve only seen one Steve Martin movie, it’s probably The Jerk. 100 minutes of non stop laughter. This is Martin’s first big movie after a ground breaking stand up career, and you can tell he threw all he had at the screen. The Jerk introduced me to the wonders of cat juggling. And who can forget the immortal first line, “I was born a poor black child”?

Best Scene

4. The Lonely Guy – 1984

If you’re a single guy in your mid-20′s or later, this is your favorite film. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading this list and watch it. Even if you’re at work. Quit. Even if you’re an astronaut reading this in space (in which case I’m flattered), eject, hope you don’t burn up in the atmosphere, and head to the last remaining Blockbuster to rent this. You will relate to it every step of the way. The laughter this provides is therapeutic. I felt cleansed from The Lonely Guy.

Best Scene

3. All Of Me – 1984

This movie hilariously stars Jim Carrey as an attorney desperate to make partner whose life gets turned upside down by a supernatural occurrence – OH WAIT no, that’s Liar, Liar. Sorry. “All of Me” hilariously stars Steve Martin as an attorney desperate to make partner whose life gets turned upside down by a supernatural occurrence – a dying woman’s spirit inhabits half of his body. The graceful slapstick Martin exhibits has been a major influence on me. And while I love Liar, Liar, my vote is with the original.

Best Scene

2. Roxanne – 1987

It is extremely rare that an actor can be romantic, sad, charming and outrageously funny. Roberto Benigni was in his masterpiece “Life is Beautiful”. Charlie Chaplin was every time the camera was on. And Steve Martin is in “Roxanne”, probably his best film. Based on Cerano De Bergiak (or however you spell it, I’m lazy). It’s about an amazing man who has it all – wit, charm. and even parkour and fighting abilities (honestly), but one stand out defect – a comically large nose. This is Steve Martin at his absolute best and funniest, and I consider it one of the finest comedies of all time.

Best Scene

1. Bowfinger – 1999

This the funniest movie of the last 50 years.

Best Scene

One last note to all those who say Steve Martin has lost it: get a life! The man is on the plus side of 60 and you expect him to keep cat juggling? He’s given us over three decades of golden comedy. He still writes, plays banjo and acts, and his twitter account is the best I know of. Thanks Steve for all your marvelous work! (I know he’s reading this, he’s a big fan of mine)

And one more video for your viewing pleasure:

*EDIT* I forgot all about “Leap of Faith”. That is one of his best, and ties with “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” for #7.

If you wanna see my comedies, which are about 1/500th as good as Steve Martin’s, you can visit my youtube channel.

SHUT UP!!!

Chaplin loved making movies too much. Great love can cause great men to tarnish their legacies. After “Limelight”, Chaplin made two more universally panned films – “A King in New York” and “Countess From Hong Kong”. I haven’t seen either, but that’s probably good because apparently even Hellen Keller couldn’t handle the experience. These late works apparently don’t tarnish his legacy, probably because people willfully forget them, but it’s really discouraging to see the icon of my icons so awful on screen. Awful. Have I mentioned I don’t like “Limelight”?

Charlie’s not the only great man to hang onto a career too long. Matter of fact, another man I hold in equal regards, Michael Jordan, did the same when he joined the Washington Wizards. Here was this ungodly athletic specimen from another planet who had so dominated the mere mortals who dared step foot on his court, now relegated to play with the joke of the NBA. He was still good, but where were the kiss the rim dunks?

Bill Watterson, my third and greatest idol, got it right. He blasted on the scene with Calvin and Hobbes, produced ten years of unparalleled genius, and split. I mean peaced out. You will never hear from him again. And as frustrating as that is to a lot of fans even to this day, it’s the kindest thing he could have done, because every single panel we have of Calvin and Hobbes is gold. There are no years of mediocrity. No discussion of Calvin jumping the shark. That’s the way to do it – go out on top. Like Michael Jordan with his first retirement. And second.

My boss asked me the other day: if I could have anyone’s career, whose would I have? I would have Bill Watterson’s. I would love to do youtube videos for two or three more years, move to television or film and work exhaustively for fifteen years, and then be gone for good. Out in Africa somewhere, chillin’ with the lions, out of sight.

lolcat

It’s midway through 2011, or as I dubbed it, “The Year of Progress”. I really believe this will be a big year for me and several of my friends career-wise. If you recall my previous blog, I had a sketch comedy group called “Dingbat”. Our first show was great. I was flying high, the sky was the limit, we were gonna make it. Our second show? Comedy death. Which, as Steve Martin put it, “is worse than real death”. Noah and I put our heads together and came up with an outstanding third show. It was one of my best live performances. The only problem was hardly anybody showed up. We were granted one more show. This time no one showed up. We were forced to cancel. Not a soul showed up to see us perform.

And so went the Dingbat Comedy Show.

After that I got desperate. How desperate? I tried stand up comedy. My old enemy. Here is my brief history with stand up: I started at 16; my teacher would let me do 5 minutes at the end of class. After my first act, she told the class “that was the least funny thing I’ve ever seen”. Inspired by her encouraging words, I performed on stage and on the radio in Hawaii a few times to zero success. In California, at 18, I got my first night club gig. It was a 21 and over club, I was the only white guy there, and my act consisted of me impersonating the likes of Jimmy Stewart, Clint Eastwood, Humphrey Bogart, and every other white dude over 80 years old. After about one minute I was booed mercilessly off the stage. The audience made siren sounds, screamed, yelled, did everything but take me out back and beat me up. But they may as well have. My spirit was so crushed I didn’t attempt stand for another… week. At the same club. Nearly the same result. Then in college I performed stand up in spurts for five years. My best shows were marginally entertaining, my worst shows were unspeakable. My material was way too absurd, my  behavior way too wild to be funny to anyone but me. I never understood why nobody got me. But I wasn’t good enough to be gotten. My last show in Oregon was at a juggling festival. The entire backdrop fell right before the punch line of my carefully fabricated first joke, killing it. That did me in. I was asked to get off stage just minutes after, none of my jokes having landed. I was so furious I quit altogether.

Until a couple months ago. With nothing but stains of failure on my resume, I waddled out to the famed Comedy Store to try my wiles with Hollywood’s best. I did well. And “well” is great. “Well” is terrific. “Well” means “I have something here!” I started booking shows, trying to get out as much as possible. It lasted a week. I did a show in North Hollywood. Upon my introduction I went on stage, turned my back to the audience, and started telling a joke to the wall. Mid way through the joke I turned to the audience, and made like I just had a revelation. Oops, I was facing the wrong way, what a dummy. I apologized to the audience, saying I was new at this. No laughter. Nothing. My next joke fell flat. I got nervous. I started messing with the mic. I tried another joke. Silence. Silence.

But hey, my youtube channel got partnered, so there’s that. Actually, I’m downplaying. I’m thrilled I got partnered, because that means I can actually start making money on filmmaking, and it’s all dependent on me. If I work hard and make good videos, there’s absolutely a stream of income. If I slack off, oh well, so goes another opportunity. It’s got me invigorated to improve as an artist and comedian and try to make the best videos I can. Since the partnership, I feel my videos have improved and I’m finding my voice. This is thrilling, especially since the last 3 years in LA I’ve been wandering around the desert with only the faintest idea what my true voice is. It’s becoming clear.

By the way, “Limelight” is about a stand up comedian who didn’t quit while he was ahead so he got old and unfunny. Straight irony. But before I start thinking about quitting while I’m ahead, I better get ahead. So help me out and go to my youtube page!

I’m at a curious time in my life. A lot of my unrest and dissatisfaction passed along with 2010. I was unhappy with the quality of my work, my 9-5 job was making me anxious, and my personal life went to the pits a couple times. Lots o’ struggle with little benefit. 2010 was a year of growing pains. It was also freaking awesome in some ways. The highlight was undoubtedly the screening of Thirsty Guy at Dances With Films in West Hollywood. We killed. My collaborations with Noah Sife were very productive and fun. I even had a girlfriend which, albiet briefly, is probably some kind of proof of God. The best week was spent with my family at Cannon Beach Christian Conference Center. The highs and lows provided some much needed maturity (but not too much! Screw you, Adulthood!).

But now all is calm. I’ve found peace with my 9-5 job. It’s no longer something I look at as a hindrance to success. On the contrary, it’s there to provide me sustenance along my struggle, but more importantly, motivation to succeed. My frustrations with the quality of my work have subsided as well. The challenge of making something interesting and funny for even two minutes was so daunting I almost unraveled like the shirt I’m “wearing” right now. But something clicked over the last few months. Writing a screenplay certainly forced me to improve. But the greatest test was last Tuesday, when my sketch group Dingbat had our first live show. 11 days prior I had no cast and no skits, and almost canceled. But the challenge of putting together a 30 minute show in such limited time was too exciting a challenge and I had to forge on. I got the cast, wrote the scripts and we put together a 30 minute show in three days and killed it. It was probably the proudest moment of my life. We’re performing again in a few weeks and hope to get many more shows in the near future. The promise we’ve shown has given me peace.

There is so much to improve upon, but the work doesn’t seem daunting anymore. It seems inevitable. Last year I would wonder if I would ever be good enough to make something consistently interesting for any length of time. At moments the level of perfection I was aiming for seemed out of reach. But not anymore. All you need for a comedy is a solid structure, then work from there. Measure the beats of your story and make sure none pass without something funny happening. Yes, it’s a lot of work, but Buster Keaton once said making a comedy is as fine a craft as making a clock. I’m sure being a clocksmith (word?) is pulse-grindingly difficult, but getting the sucker to tick isn’t unattainable. The same is true with comedy. Of course I’ve never succeeded at this, but uh… Moving on!

I’m on the precipus of finding my career and it feels calm. The immediate future will likely hold some unimaginable struggle; perhaps a tour for Dingbat or finding funding for my script. One day I may look back on this time as the strangest of my life. Feeling success is coming, but having no tangible proof. Just knowing something is different. “Calm” doesn’t mean “relaxed” however. I’m working harder than ever, just more focused. That’s another good word for how I feel right now: focused.

Things are fun again. Noah now lives just a floor below me and we collaborate on skits and ideas frequently. My friend Vince has started shooting again. We just shot a little adventure finding rats in Santee Alley. Tom and I are still a real life Calvin and Hobbes going on hikes, playing basketball, and just hanging out. Life is fun. But it hasn’t really begun yet. I have a feeling it’s about to.

Then today I saw Abbott and Costello’s “Hold That Ghost” at the Alex Theater in Glendale. HTG ranks as my second favorite A&C movie all time behind only “Who Done It”. Apparently their ghost comedy was previewed at the Alex in 1941, making the experience that much cooler. Since the Alex does things like they used to, we were treated to a cartoon and “news reel” before the feature. The cartoon was basically Warner Bro’s take on Abbott and Costello called “A Tale of Two Kitties”. Mixing Abbott and Costello with cats? I’m there! Then they showed home video footage of the comedy duo at their houses and playing sports and things like that. You don’t know how much this effected me. Let me take you back to one night in the summer of 1996… Nickelodeon was having an Abbott and Costello marathon, and I stayed up – get this – all night. I watched 8+ hours of non-stop Abbott and Costello. Fast forward another 4 years and where was I? On stage in front of hundreds of people with friend Andrew performing “Who’s On First” and other routines. We did radio too. I am a man of many obsessions, and if I made a chart of my most intense through the years it would look like this:

1. Calvin and Hobbes (92 – present)
2. Basketball (94 – present)
3. Abbott and Costello (96, 00-02)
4. Charlie Chaplin (02 – present)
5. Jim Carrey/Steve Martin (95-97/03-07 respectively)

Those of you that know me know that means I must have been an insufferable fan. For perspective, my math teacher wrote on my report card: “Kyle is, above all, a devout Abbott and Costello enthusiast.” Why would he write that, do you ask? Maybe it was my insistence on performing 7 x 13 =28 in class.

So how did Abbott and Costello hold up after all these years? Is that even a question? I haven’t heard more laughter in a theater since… well… ever? I seriously can’t think of a movie I’ve ever seen that got as consistent and hard laughter.

And then I realized: that’s why I do this. That’s the hope, that after 40, 50, 100 years they can play your stuff in a theater and get the same laughs. Guess how much Charlie Chaplin has aged? The answer is he’s still ahead of our time. He might have messed around and gone William Shakespeare on us for all we know. In 300 years, cinema could be dead but “The Kid” still be admired. And if “Hold That Ghost” got more laughter in 1941 they must have had to take out an insurance policy. They both brought the gift of laughter to humanity, and their legacies live on. Somebody slap me out of it now!

Just got done out-lining my big web-series/feature film. And I gotta silent film myself coming out soon! Will it be as good as “The Kid”? Let’s put it this way, after you see my comedy, you’re gonna be asking yourself, “Charlie who?”

That's right. I'm coming for you, Charlie.

I had 1,258 roommates.

Every once in a while, a guy’s just gotta change. So I moved to the Theater District in Downtown LA, I stopped making the weekly videos, I started writing, and I cut my hair. A lot of people were concerned for my well-being Downtown. It’s a rough place, just a few blocks from skid-row, teeming with all sorts of different people. During my move in a guy told me to hide my stuff because “someone might want to steal it”. My friend Vince and I walked the street one night and saw a guy run out into the middle of the road and start yelling at the cops, telling them to “arrest me right now!” Then he whipped off his shirt and HOLY LORD it was a woman!

She did not look like this.

It’s great. Inspiration is right around every corner. There are homeless people digging through trash, rich people buying jewelry, sketchy types hanging out by stores and watching passers-by. You never know what’s going to happen down town. And the city! Wow! I’ve never lived in a place so big! Sky-scrapers everywhere. Old buildings line the streets. And I live in the Theater District! There are eleven old theaters on the same street as me. Old vaudeville houses turned silent film houses turned movie palaces turned shops and now turning back to movie palaces. When I step outside and look left I see United Artists theater, founded by Douglas Fairbanks, Mary Pickford, and Charlie Chaplin. If I look right I see the Los Angeles Theater, where Chaplin’s “City Lights” premiered. Every street contains movie history. It’s where I belong.

My writing here has been free and easy. I’ve been writing a web series with a very simple plot: boy sees girl, falls in love, pursues girl. I’m doing this one right. I’m not going to start shooting it until it’s fully written. And I’m not going to rush it. When it’s time to shoot it, I’m gonna shoot it will all the bullets I have. But I’m gonna make sure it’s fully marinated and cooked first.

Another part of the Kyle Renaissance is my acting career. I’m going to actually get an agent and start auditioning. Even for commercials. To those that know me, this is a rather major development. I loathe auditioning and usually come away dissatisfied with acting in other people’s projects. But that’s gonna change. I’m gonna act just for the money. Don’t talk to me about art. It is about business. Kyle’s shooting and editing shop is closing. Kyle’s writing and acting shop is open.

Now for the religious portion of my blog. I can sum up my very complex feelings easily: God is perfect, man isn’t. There hasn’t been a thing God’s created that man hasn’t messed up, but you can still see God everywhere. I asked a pastor what Christianity boiled down to and he told me, in one of the more depressing moments of my life, “exclusivity”. Christianity isn’t about exclusivity. It’s about welcoming people in. Loving and caring for them, and feeding the poor. I don’t think any theology in the Bible compares to the simple act of giving a poor person some food.

Noah Sife and I were on the radio last night. Thanks to Naomi and Chenene for getting us on! It was a great show. There were callers from all over the US! I even had a fan call in all the way from Florida! Wow, it was refreshing. Now I want to start making videos again every week. I didn’t know people were watching like that. But stay tuned, because Noah and I are gonna bring some funny stuff back to the internet soon. So in this way, I changed, and am changing back.

I used to pray each night that God would give me Hollywood. Now I’m not sure I want fame and I am sure I don’t want riches, so the world can keep Hollywood. All I want to do is make movies.

Many people I know are feeling very low. I am, too. We are all trying to make it in Hollywood and single. You know that old stereotype of the show-biz guy who can’t settle down? It might be true, but I hope it’s not. Roberto Benigni has been married happily for years and won an Oscar. So it’s possible.

My roommate and I have been living in a studio with no bedrooms but lots of roaches. It’s been 14 months, but now we’re saying goodbye. Ken’s moving to Burbank and I’m moving to glorious downtown Los Angeles, two blocks from skid row and smack dab in the middle of the theater district. It’s perfect for me. I am excited for the change.

Speaking of change, I’m going to stop putting out videos every week. The reason is that I don’t care about them any more. I’ve got a new inspiration and I can’t help but focus my attention on it. It was a blast doing videos every week, and I might return to it one day. Policeman Jerry has a few more good ones in him, including an epic finale I can’t wait to shoot. There are still lots of ideas to get out, but I’ll take more time with them.

Love is tough. Even though I only dated this girl for a few months I’m still having a hard time getting over her. Maybe it’s because I want to be in a relationship. It’s tough sitting in LA traffic two hours each day with no one to go home to.

Reading the Bible really is good. I had forgotten that for about five years. But it’s been a fixture in my life for a while now, and it’s like I’m reading it with fresh eyes. It’s led to some positive changes in my life. It’s also confused the living daylights out of me. I take a special pride in admitting that parts of the Bible are incomprehensible. And that’s clearly the way it’s supposed to be. You know how God planted that tree in the garden of Eden? He didn’t have to do that. But He did. He created a perfect world with perfect creatures, but put that one little befuddlement in there. I think He did the same with His Bible. It’s a perfect book, but there are little things in there that, if we dwell on them, can lead to strife. I don’t know why God does this, I just know He does. And I kind of love Him for it.

Life is a roller coaster. I’ve never been so excited about the future, but I’ve also never cared less if I live or die. My days are filled with elevation and depression, great amounts of stress, aching loneliness, endless frustration, cynicism, but lots hope, and love. The thing that matters is that we love each other. When both Jesus and the Beatles agree on something you know it must be right. Humility and love. And if you really wanted to simplify, you could just say love.

“All you need is love.” – The Beatles

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another…” – Jesus Christ

“SOMEBODY PLEASE LOVE ME!!!!!!” – Kyle

Motivated people have always interested me. I love finding out why driven people are driven. What’s their fuel? What do I have in common with them?

There are infinite ways people are motivated. It’s hard to say if any one way is better. I think some motivations can be healthier for the soul than others.

One of my friend’s motivation is a lack of self-worth. He got into some trouble growing up as a result of an estranged relationship with his divorced parents. Now he makes movies hoping to find value in himself. The better his movies, the more he can validate his worth. This isn’t his only motivation at all, but it’s a constant one. And you know what? A lot of the greats have shared this same exact motivation.

Another of my friends uses a bad relationship as motivation. He wants to prove to the girl that he was worth holding out for. And not just the girl, but anyone who has cast him off. This is very similar to the friend of the last paragraph – only he’s out to prove himself to others and not himself (though I’m sure there is overlap in both cases). Both of these friends work tirelessly and have attained some measure of success.

I got one more friend to talk about. He has a more sobering motivation. Somebody he was very close to died as a teenager. Now he works relentlessly. He figures, why should I rest for even a minute? He’s going to reach his potential because his loved one never got the chance. Live life while you’ve got it.

Walt Disney is the most determined man I’ve read about. He had already owned an animation company and gone bankrupt by the age of 18. He used to live above a restaurant and animate all day, living only off the bread crusts the restaurant would give him at the end of the day. He would hardly sleep. As my sister puts it, he was “one of those manically obsessed types. They’re all the same.” His motivation, I believe, was just that he was captivated by the potential of animation. I doubt there was anything personal to it. In fact, I doubt there ever lived a less personal man.

Michael Jordan is famously motivated. Or should I say, competitive. I don’t think he was blessed with a motivation like the friends I’ve written about. I don’t think he was madly obsessed with basketball like Disney was with animation. He was constantly searching for motivation, like he didn’t have one readily available. He would often lie to himself to get motivated – “oh Clyde said what about me? He said my shoes are ugly? Oh that’s it. I’m going to kill him tonight” – only Clyde never said anything about his shoes. I think Jordan’s motivation was ultimately a ravenous and ugly need to display his dominance over everyone around him. It didn’t matter if it was in basketball or chess. And you know, for some people that’s enough. I kind of like this type of motivation, though I think it can lead to hell.

My hero, Bill Watterson, wrote one of my favorite quote’s of all time:

“You either need a self-confidence bordering on delusion or a love of the work.”

For Bill, it was a love of the work. Plain and simple. He loved doing it so much he wrote what is, to one humble reader, the most impressive compilation of literature ever assembled – Calvin and Hobbes.

People accomplish great things by being motivated by a ton of different factors. Some want to prove themselves. Some want to prove others. Tons of disciples have given their lives and died for their masters. Some just have a love of the work. In most cases it’s a combination of several of these.

So what is your motivation?

My family and I are at Cannon Beach Conference Center. By “family”, I mean mom and dad, Caila and Brian and their children. I don’t mean “family of my own”. Because, aha! That would be too much to ask for, right God? Just kidding. I always get a kick out of when guys complain to God about being single. Just man up and get a girl! My hero, Rich Mullins, died single and believed it was cause God wanted him to be. Maybe. Hell, I don’t know. God has done stranger things. But Rich – you’re intelligent, Godly, and a rock star! What Christian girl in the world would not want to be with you? I’m sure he would tell me it’s more difficult than all that.

I can get too caught up in why I won’t work out for a girl. It’s ludicrous. Just cause I’m a bipolar, pathologically competitive creature hellbent on a life of self-imposed solitude doesn’t mean I can’t make a girl happy half the time.

Been to Church five times in the last three days. That’s about as much as I went between the second half of 2006-2009.

The things of God have been on my mind homie! A lot! Since, like, March! I have no explanation. And I’m relearning a lot of old truths. I have a few examples on hand:

God wants to be worshipped. I think he’d take five minutes of worship over five years of discussion.

Disputable things will always be disputable. This is what used to kill me. It’s why I damn near left the Church. I would get too caught up in doctrinal things and lose focus on Christ. My dad was talking about this. He has no use for disputable issues whatsoever. He cares more about the geese flying about, or how Caila’s daughter is laughing. As he should be. I think burying your head in the Bible and coming up with theories is masturbatory. Then you take your theories and argue with other Christians who have their own theories. My theory is that this practice is a Christian penis-measuring contest. There are people who are paid to discover how 2nd Peter came to be cannonical or whether or not we have a sin nature. That’s fine. It’s obviously not bad to search the Scriptures. But all in good perspective – namely, nothing compares to Christ.

Honestly, nothing compares to Christ. None of my thoughts. I go through these wild swings of believing that everybody will go to Heaven, or that everybody will go to Hell. I need to get over it! Just shine the light of Jesus for God’s sake!

I wish that God would give us one more revelation: sex is no longer a sin. Oh wouldn’t that be great! He could just say “listen, when I made that commandment, people were getting married at 14. The culture has changed, so uh, have fun.” But I know He’s not saying that. But it could make for the worst pick-up line history. “God told me it’s okay.” Not only would you be a liar, but a false prophet to boot!

Being celebate is carrying your cross a’plenty. I don’t think we need any more suffering. Can I get an amen?

Someday I’ll get a girl to marry me, and I’ll make sure she doesn’t read this blog cause she’ll think I’m marrying her just to get her in bed. She’d be right, but she doesn’t need to know this.

If she’s in her mid-late twenties she’ll probably be in it for the same reason.

Things I don’t care about: good taste, social structure, class.

Some people need to stay in a comfort zone and not be challenged. This used to bother me, but now I understand that’s just how they are.

My dad would never write his thoughts out for the world to see like this. He’s wiser and more humble than me. I’m an arrogant fool.

Anyone in my line of work is an arrogant fool. But a lot of us are funny!

Humor has been on my mind a lot. I go from worshipping God to shooting a comedy that would never be shown in Church anywhere. Does that mean I’m serving two masters? It might. I haven’t decided. But I don’t think so. I’ll find my way with comedy.

Speaking of which, I am absolutely, utterly, irrevocably dedicated to making comedy shorts for the internet until I get a career out of it. This means I am focusing my entire effort on getting better and better. Noah Sife, my new partner in crime, is right there with me. We’ll be pushing each other until we get there (If you don’t know who Noah Sife is, he plays Policeman Jerry). This part of the journey might wind up being among the most rewarding. Keep up with us, cause we’re only getting better. I’m learning more and more about pace and structure every day. The Beatles didn’t get to be the Beatles cause they were talented. It was cause they worked together every day. We’re working every day. So stay tuned!

And God bless.

This is my life as a filmmaker.

Many things are breaking down on me. Physically, my knee is deteriorating. Financially, I was wrongfully charged and sent into over-draft hell. My car has been breaking down on me.

The car thing has been major. Nobody quite knows what’s wrong with it. But it has died on my three times on the freeway, twice in intersections, and several other times on side streets. I’m going to take it in to the shop for the fourth time in three months tomorrow.

I banged my knee playing basketball in December and haven’t been the same since. Basketball is a major part of my life. It’s how I stay healthy, it’s a major outlet, and I love it. But while I used to be able to jump with the best of them – occasionally even putting down a dunk – I have been resigned to hobbling around and getting my shot blocked. It’s an embarrassment, and it’s painful.

Even though I work a full time job, I never seem to get ahead by even $50. I don’t party or go out, I don’t go to the movies, I don’t do anything. A majority of my money goes to film making or such related things so I am constantly broke. This is how I want it. It’s what you have to do to succeed. There are film festivals coming up that I am blessed to be a part of. But with that comes HDCam transfers, press kits, promotional material. And on top of that I have set up a goal to shoot each weekend, always putting out new content, always getting creative, always pushing ahead. But that leaves me an extremely narrow margin of error.

This is the business we have chosen.

I’m still a virgin at 26 and it drives me crazy. But I’m a Christian and devoted, and I want to stay pure till marriage. But marriage is an awful long ways away. I have made myself a very fallible mate. My time and attention are obsessively drawn to creating movies. And when I long for a woman, which is often, I distract myself by writing a new script, or editing. And I love it. Writing, directing and acting are my great loves, and I could bury my face in them and wake up an old man, and only until I was that old man would I be lonely. But like the edge of that cliff, I know this way is dangerous.

I’m driving my car towards the edge of the cliff. The nearer I get, the harder I push on the gas. My hope is that a bridge will be built before I hit the edge.

Have you ever heard about God having wings like eagles?

God is my Savior. And I mean that in the most practical way. Each time my car has died it has done so in a convenient spot. Even on the 405 it died by a wide shoulder. And I was able to correct that bank error and get my money back. I’m about to get a doctor and have my knee looked at. My movie is in two festivals in June, my web series is getting better and better, I have a skit in the can that I think is hilarious, I have a camera, a computer and a deck, a full time job, I have friends who love me, family who love me, and a God who loves me. So even as I hurl myself towards the edge, I have a feeling of safety. It’s knowing that God is there that keeps me from a nervous breakdown. When it seems like I won’t be able to pull it off, somehow it ends up working out.

That’s not to say that I won’t cause myself tremendous harm. I could use to be much more responsible.

This lifestyle has caused me to be on my knees before God many times, but especially lately. And because of that, I know I’m in the right place. Nothing good is ever easy. And I’m sacrificing everything I know how to make people laugh week in and week out. I’m trying and hoping and praying I get good at it, and that people notice, because otherwise that car might go flying off the cliff. Meanwhile I am happy. I love what I am doing. This is exactly where I need to be and what I need to be doing, and God will take care of what He needs to. So rock on.

It seems to me the life of an actor is not a Christian one. As soon as you arrive in LA the first thing you’re told to do is to get head shots. That means you get glammed up and pay somebody several hundred dollars to snap some 8×10′s of your mug. Make sure you always have them on you, just in case.

I don’t believe there is a position in God’s kingdom that requires you to carry around a dozen glossy’s of your glorious mug.

The training only takes you deeper into the hole of narcissism. Make sure you practice saying “hello, my name is —” in front of a mirror with a nice smile. See which side of your face is the “good side”. Also perfect the way you hold your head when in profile (using two mirrors helps).

I don’t believe there is a position in God’s kingdom that requires you to look in a mirror at all angles and determine which way your mug is most gracefully presented.

And once you are thoroughly familiar with the image of yourself, you are ready to enter the world of auditions, where you will perform like a monkey for a variety of hucksters, idiots, perverts, and people who think they are smart. Be prepared to do any and everything they tell you. You are their slave. And if you show any hesitation while performing you have committed the golden sin, because you gotta be real.

Also, there is something inherently freakish about putting on emotions on command.

If you are one of the extremely few, extremely lucky (not necessarily talented) ones, you will enjoy a career as a “working actor” – meaning you score a few guest starring roles on television shows and maybe four or five national commercials a year. Yay! All this just because you were able to devote an unbelievable amount of attention to yourself for an unhealthy period of time.

For a Christian it’s more complicated. Do I say those things, or do that act? The argument is basically “I’m not saying it, the character is saying it.” Yeah right. If you rape a girl during a scene, you have to feel the hate, the lust, or else it will look completely unbelievable. And you know what Jesus said about feeling hate in your heart.

Okay, but what about writing, or directing? I can tell you from personal experience, it is a thrill to have to the power to make somebody do what you want you want them to do. As a writer or director, you have this power. If you guide an actor into doing something hateful or profane, you have as much responsibility before the Lord as the actor. It’s common sense.

So why do we Christians do it?

Because it’s fun.

Also, I don’t really think our career is always our ministry. I think how we treat one another, how we love and serve each other, is much more important than taking your clothes off on screen. And I think you can glorify God without even mentioning Him. I believe making an audience laugh is noble; it gives them a break from their daily lives. And if you’re really lucky and really good, this industry can give you a platform to speak to millions. Some have used this for good (Mel Gibson). Some have used it for evil (Mel Gibson).

Like everything, it all depends on the person. If you feel convicted about making love to Jessica Alba in front of 30 hairy grips, don’t do it. If you feel like calling someone a **** mother****** is cool with God, go for it! You’re the one standing before Him one day! Like Paul said, “one eats meat, the other doesn’t eat meat. Let each be convinced in his own mind.” That being said, if you are a straight-edged fundamentalist, either get hooked up with Cloud Ten Pictures or get the hell out of Hollywood.

My personal convictions are this: I don’t want to do anything that would bring great shame to my family. I don’t usually swear on screen, and if I do it’s just hell or damn, things like that. But I have taken my clothes off, and I have been in a couple very bloody scenes.

Which brings me to another hypocrisy in the Christian realm: the preference of violence over sex. I once told my sister I would rather watch a porno movie that one of them Saw movies. And it’s true! Sure sex should be kept private, but cutting some dudes guts out is sick! At least sex is beautiful (most of the time)! I have neither had sex nor cut some dudes guts out in real life, but if given the choice boy I’d give that girl a good time. And I felt waaaaaay worse about getting knifed to death on screen than I did taking my clothes off. It just felt evil and dark and sinister. I wanted to get out of there. Taking my clothes off was nerve-wracking as all hell, but it was funny and light (should be noted that the clothes-off scene was not sexual at all – just funny). So as a human and a performer I choose sex over violence.

As in all things, bring everything to God in prayer. We’re all crazy in this business, all looking to get ahead, looking for the edge. We’re all selfish and arrogant and in need of God more than most. But try to remain humble, stay reading the Bible and keep in fellowship with other Christians. And the most important thing to remember, as a Christian or just as an artist, is that the love of money is the root of all evil.

*Note* – To clarify, I would choose sex over violence when the sex was pure and the violence was malicious, evil, or sadistic. In other words, I’d rather do the love scene from Top Gun than a torture scene from Hostel. If the violence has merit (war movie, gangsters, if it’s funny, etc…) then I have absolutely no concern with getting my head blown off. Likewise, if a sex scene is just there to raunch up a National Lampoon’s movie, then I want no part of it.